on shame

What is at the core of fear? What holds us back from true intimacy?

Shame.

Shame in who we are covered up in robes of different colors (those rich Buddhist monk colors) - the yogi, the intellectual, the funny one, the nice one, the dependable one, the musician, the flirt, the sexy one, the architect, the chef, the traveler, the banker, the xx, the yy one. All of our inadequacies buried under layers and layers of fabric. Because we doubt the intrinsic value of our self, we invest all our energy and love and attention into our robing and invest nothing in our true self.

We do this secretly, in hiding, because we think we are the only ones. It's the most dangerous weapon in shame's armory. It isolates us from everyone. We cannot trust even those who love us for our true selves. We can't trust them because we believe they are wrong because we KNOW we are lacking.

But if we look at a group of children, who of us thinks one is more worthy of love than another? Who could say one is more valuable, even if one is smarter or more talented or cuter? We all started there in that group, and the core did not change. Why do we think as adults there is suddenly a loss in our worth? Because we have done horrible things that hurt others? Because we have not lived up to our potential? Because there is no one there to tell us we are loved as much or as often or as selflessly as our mothers told us way back when?

But what would we say to the child in that group if they had uttered these doubts? Wouldn't we say that you are doing the best you can and it will all be ok? That you hurt that person because you didn't know how else to handle your fear or hurt or shame? Wouldn't we say, no - wouldn't we KNOW, that what they have done does not deserve the burn of shame? That they are human and forgivable and above all just as precious as ever?

Wouldn't we be kinder to them than we are to ourselves? Aren't they essentially us?

... shame is the fear of disconnection... that something we've done or failed to do, an ideal that we've not lived up to, or a goal that we've not accomplished makes us unworthy of connection... Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.
- Daring Greatly by Brene Brown